Friday, January 30, 2009

In Your Holy Arms (2009)

When problems begin rolling in, you implore us not to wonder
But, "wherefore" questions begin to roar like fear inducing thunder
Striving to surrender to faith the "how comes" and the "whys"
As the weight of the cross grows oppressive and tears fill up the eyes

Human nature overcomes, we find ourselves inside
Contemplating reasons behind the frightening ride
For many burdens in this life you ask us to endure
When we see our children sick we ask you for a cure

So, our inability to see eternal makes us want to know
If for our children we want peace why with you it isn't so
Turning to the Scriptures left we know our feelings lie
For love you are and ever will be and pain does make you sigh

Hence, when our burdens weigh us down, the ride has gotten eerie
In Your Holy arms You wrap your children who've grown weary
The bigger picture we can't see, the Love we turn away from
Thus, continue rapping on our hearts until our queries mum


Sing in the morning, cry in the afternoon, sing again at night
Highs and lows all day long, it is a vicious fight
Confused as to the hows and whys, the wondering all day long
Why so high, why so low; bright, bleak beat to the song

Bleak and bright all at once, you may be asking your mind
It's true, I know not how, but rush of emotions betide
So confusion sets in to the one that must master, emotions beyond control
For if you can suffer external bewilderment, imagine my internal soul

Grain of Rice (2009)

Our faith is like a grain of rice, a single grain alone
But, when we add another one, our faith begins to grow
Jesus tells us when there's more than one gathered in His name
Our prayers are heard, our praises claimed, our belief likely to remain

Although, we're asked to go alone and pray to not reward in pride
We're also asked to build a church and gather numerous inside
A grain of rice all alone, will not a hearty meal make
But gather grains from all around will fill the stomach's ache

It is the same with Christians that gather all around
Alone in faith they will find their return to the solitary town
All alone they'll begin to think Jesus is not there
Together they should find stark protection from Satan's lair

Blissful, distressing, tumultuous times, the truth remains the same
Without the Lord by your side, you'll find yourself ashamed
For through the Lord we do the things that are pleasing to our Father
Without the Lord to walk with us, our efforts we should not bother

And it is only with the Church, that you remain in faith
It's the strength in faith the Church supplies, you'll receive His Holy Grace
We are called not to walk solitary, for we are bound to fail
In His Holy Book we're told, together our faith won't pale

Of course, your faith is personal, the Lord walks by your side
But, without brothers, sisters to support, you'll find a tougher ride
So, gather many grains of rice, and fill a hefty bowl
Allow the meal to satiate and redeem your newly born soul


(This requires some background. This poem is the comic relief that I promised. My father read my one of those "Dear Abby", "Ann Landers" type articles...I think he said it was "Dear Amy". The question was from a fifty year old man, with a wife and two children. His father-in-law had himself retired at the age of fifty, sold a lucrative business and enjoyed the high life. The in-laws ran into some financial difficulty and asked each of their children to send them 300 dollars per month. The now fifty year old son-in-law, was needless to say, not too thrilled. He questioned whether he should force his wife to go back to work(and threw in some digs about her over-spending as well). The original article was much more humorous than I am able to give you, but here was my take...)

Golf resorts, cars and boats
Retirement fund depleted
Great enjoyment from fifty on
But, now my son-in-law feels cheated

I sent a letter to my children
Asking for monthly funds
The reply from my daughter's husband
Had my good mood come undone

Why should I give up my porche
My country club and gym
I have the right to live it up
Don't know what's bothering him

He works to pay for my grandkids
To live it up as well
But, lousy husband to my daughter
She must feel she's in hell

She called me crying, all upset
He demands she goes to work
Just to pay for his in-laws
Oh man, what a slimy jerk

He seems to not understand
Responsibility he has
I raised a beauty for him to wed
What nerve to treat us bad

If I had to do it all again
I'd refuse my daughter's hand
And find a rich, naive lad
To become my little girl's man

A Simple Prayer (2009)

Lord, give your protection, send it down to me
Keep my mind from crumbling and bless my family

Lord, give your love, wrap me in your arms
Take away my pain, my anxious state of alarm

Lord, give your wisdom, help me to discern
Grasping meaning in Your Word, helping me to learn

Lord, give your peace, beyond my imagination
Peace so deep that I will feel no need for explanation

Lord, give your salvation, cleanse me of my sin
Take my life forever more, change I must begin

Lord, take my prayers, listen to my pleas
Help me trust in you, more often on my knees

Lord, take my worries, lift my mind on high
Rid me of the evil thoughts, from this day til I die

Lord, take my worship, take all I have to give
Help me know that you alone are reason I must live

Lord, take my faith, the faith I have in Christ
My saving faith that confirms my blessed eternal life

Lord, take my confession, forgive me all my wrongs
When the time is Yours, bring me home to angels' songs

The Gentle Breeze (2009)

Wind so strong we're shaken, shadows upon the earth
We feel we're being tested, we feel that we've been cursed
Dark clouds have come rolling in, tension on the rise
We're caught off guard, resentful of the unpleasant surprise

We hurry to bow down, hastening out of the rain
But seldom do we hit our knees in faith relieving pain
Soaked and scared, tired, wet, we hide beneath the tree
Head is down to protect;so, truth we cannot see

Thunder roaring, lightning bolts, refusing the disguise
Some will see with shadowed sight, dark clouds mark their eyes
Silent time to take it in and you will find the source
Take off the shades, look up, find the beauty in the force

Perception is a choice, so take another look
God has given you the answers in His Holy Book
Bowing down for shelter is unlike worship on your knees
For those upon their knees in faith, will feel a gentle breeze

Ho Hum (2009)

A crowded brain where thoughts are few
What does it mean, impart a clue
For thoughts to circle and crowd your mind
But, they mean nothing, not mean or kind

It's as if it's all just noise
Clanging, clattering, big band toys
Squeezing pain, constant jumble
Left vs. right in a rough and tumble

A fight that no one side has won
Long fighting that hasn't just begun
It comes and goes throughout the day
As minutes and hours drift away

No one else will understand
They'll say kind things and shake your hand
They'll say that time will make it gone
But peace you long for and there's none

Peace from the words that make no sense
Peace from the noise that makes you tense
You pray and count and wait and see
If life will ever become easy

Cause it's hard as hell to sit and wait
To see if craziness abates
It's difficult when you need to be
A mom, a wife, a friend to thee

It becomes impossible to live in peace
You beg God for some mind release
You preach that you should just accept
But, in reality your needs aren't met

Confusion takes control of you
It's seen in everything you do
So, good to no one you've become
And life ticks on ho hum ho hum

The Cross (2009)

Hands that bled upon the cross
To ensure that life would not be lost
Arms that carried heavy wood
To lead the bad to come to good

Feet that ached upon the cross
To show the world how to walk
Legs that carried heavy wood
In hopes His life be understood

Tears that shed upon the cross
To mourn the pain the sin had caused
Neck that carried heavy wood
Suffering pain no innocent should

Heart that grieved upon the cross
To show the world His love for us
Love that carried heavy wood
In hopes His death be understood

Life that rose above the cross
To prove that life had not been lost
Pure love that rose against heavy wood
Redeeming sinners as none other could

Up (2009)

(My pastor gave a beautiful sermon about looking up and trusting the Lord. He talked about not asking why and just asking "what do you want from me now?" The sermon is still available at I could never do it justice!!)

He gives us each our cross to bear
We begin to think He doesn't care
He calls us to Him through our pain
We begin to feel that we're insane

We wonder why our belief in Him
Would be returned with suffering
But fail to see the lesson sent
His call, His love, His true present

It's through the pain that we will find
He gives His love, He's not unkind
It's hard to see when Satan calls
And tells us he can break the walls

The walls that keep us caged in tight
It's what we think we have to fight
But, Satan's power is not as great
As he has claimed to use as bait

For the walls we feel, the cross we bear
It's there to protect us with His care
He says look up, look down no more
Satan's lying to settle the score

But, it's up to us to look up high
Not up to us to wonder why
The Lord does know what's good for us
His love is ours if we just trust

It's ours to take, it's ours for free
But looking down, we cannot see
The works Satan does in his own name
Will not bring walls down or ease pain

It's only God's great Holy Name
That will rid us of eternal pain
So hang in there with the cross you hold
Look up, not down and scream out bold

Lord, I give you my worries now
My pain, my aches, my solemn vow
That you own me, and now I know
My heart to you is white as snow

So, I will try not to wonder why
It is through pain that I must cry
I will try and just give love
And look not down, but up above

Gravity (2009)

Gravity pulling ruthlessly
Bringing me down beneath the sea
Air supply is growing low
Breathing laborious from below

Patience drains at a rapid pace
Bringing me down against the race
Overcome the odds I must
Or it's my time to return to dust

Sea developing turbulent
Bringing me down against ascent
Wayward hope is all that's left
Can I claim I did my best

Suffocating plight abounds
Bringing me back to many rounds
Fighting against gravity
To beat the deadly raging sea

Crimson (2009)

Crimson drops flowing
Tears don't fulfill
Desires of relief
Loss of iron will

Red dreams abound
Release a distant cry
Flooding night and day
Eyes are running dry

Lonely soul despairs
The reason for dry cheeks
Nothing left to give
Minutes feel like weeks

Big Family Christmas (Christmas 2008)

Ok, this is one of the sillier poems. I was having fun with this..enjoying the happy mood!

This Christmas, I'm thinking I'm mucked in the head
Four energetic children that never go to bed
Wrapping four sets of gifts to set out
So Santa stays secret from the two younger sprout

Feet feel like fire, eyes are dreary
Days flying by as I grow weary
But, Christmas is more about Jesus, I hear
And less about Santa and his flying reindeer

True, I do say, but it doesn't change
The fact that my life is on rearrange
So the four little rugrats each have a smile on their face
So, neighbors and in laws don't think Mom's a disgrace

So, if you're thinking a large family's what you need
Listen closely to my words, thoughts, and warnings do heed
Consider the cost of gas, energy, food
Make sure you enjoy being in a lousy mood

Through all that, however, they will brighten your day
Four, I hear, might not be a big family, some say
For me, it is perfect, I figured it out
They can eat little, go colder and run less about

It's their poor little ears that have to listen to me scream
I tune out their yelps all day long that I"m mean
So this mom loves the four darlings, the lot
Just don't ask how they feel for the mom that they got!

The Greatest Gift (Christmas 2008)

The Greatest Gift to us is life
Given through His Sacrifice
To have a child you know must die
Just to save lives that kill, steal, lie

Love so Great, to us unknown
Through His death to us is shown
A star so bright,a baby born
Time to rejoice, not to mourn

Years later, considerable work to be done
He came to teach He is His Son
Again, life failed to understand
And hammered nails into His hand

But, through His death, eternal life
No greater gift, His sacrifice
Christmas is a time to cheer
A time to know the Lord is near

Lights and hymns, gifts on the tree
Mean nothing if life fails to see
Cleanse your soul this Christmas season
Accept the Lord, understand the reason

Christ is calling, no funds due
Eternal happiness is calling you
To those who see, Christmas joy to thee
To those who don't, come pray with me

Lord, for Your gift, we do thank You
Your life for ours, our souls anew
I accept You now into my heart
A savior needed to re-start

My gift to God this Christmas time
My life You own, no longer mine
His gift to us, as you now see
His life for ours, how can that be

Merry Christmas to life that has been taught
God's free gift cannot be bought
So, know that Santa, reindeer, toys
Are fun to have, they bring us joys

But, Christmas without Christ is null
His life, His gift overcame the Fall
Pass this on, give God a gift
Souls He will own, new on His list

Pass this to those who've never known
Those who require to be shown
The truth of what is Christmas day
A Savior born to point the way

Loneliness (2008)

Loneliness lingers in the air
Searching tirelessly for someone to care
Loneliness lies beside the sea
Searching tirelessly for someone called me

Heartache hungers to be fed
Seemingly enjoying a lonely bed
Heartache hears loneliness call
Seemingly enjoying a someone's fall

Someone searches for the light
Craving deliverance from this plight
Someone strikes at heartache's scheme
Craving deliverance from this dream

Savior screams to come His way
Desiring to take the pain away
Savior swallows all of the sin
Desiring to take someone as kin

Someone struggles in faith to hope
Searching furiously for ways to cope
Someone screams back at Savior's cry
Searching furiously for reasons why

Meant to Be (2008)

Depressed, Angry, tired
Was becoming me
Rest was all I asked for
Wasn't meant to be

Is there any answer
To life's many trials
I've given all I had
I've fought for many miles

Can't go on much further
Sit and try to rest
But worries crowd my head
Causing thoughts I do detest

Medicinal approaches
Talking of my woes
Nothing seems to matter
That's how the story goes

Depressed, angry, tired
Was becoming me
Rest was all I asked for
Wasn't meant to be...

Truth? (2008)

(This one may need a note. I was struggling with personal issues that may not relate to anyone. My husband battles a more physical battle of psoriatic arthritis and one of my children also struggles with a mood disorder. Add on regular life, and this is what came out...)

Why have you boxed us in so tight
Never to get out
Everyday it is a fight
Aim daily not to pout

His pain will never go away
She can never find peace
Strength is tested day by day
We long for some release

Daughter lost in her own hell
Fighting to stay grounded
Try to tell her all is well
Lies that must be pounded

So tired of this daily strife
Tired of the pain
Just so sick of this whole life
No wonder I'm insane

There's no happy ending
Not one that I can see
Once their in bed, there's no pretending
The future is not pretty

He will never be relieved of pain
She will always be prone to cry
Dreaming has been done in vein
Crash, the consequence of high

What is the reality, the truth
Is it seen when feeling joy
Or is the pain, the suffering, proof
The cheerful is a ploy

The Great I AM (2008)

Great I AM, The truth
Great I AM, The light
The Is, the Was, the Ever Shall Be
The One that made the night

Creator of His Kingdom
Creator of the Earth
Maker of the Heavens
Lift me of this curse

Can it be my faith is weak
My sins are not forgiven
Thought that wasn't possible
The Cross has Opened Heaven

Must be something else
Something I can not see
Why so many complications
For ONE family

Physical illness, financial stress
Emotions gone amuck
Even touched by death so young
Don't say it's just bad luck

A higher purpose must exist
or this is all for naught
Praying the truth comes from
The bible lessons taught

Life has grown so complicated
Can you hear my plea
Are you listening Oh Great Love
The Is, the Was, and Ever Shall Be

Daily Walk (2008)

Trudging through the pasty mud
Heavy, massive feat
Longing for deliverance
Life's still incomplete

Mud so thick, trek is fierce
Patience growing thin
Monotonous is the day by day
Sloth, the deadly sin

Inquiries into life's events
Wherefore, how and why?
Disarray,distress, dysphoric
Dismal may apply

Is and ever will be
This forevermore
Until no longer in the flesh
Trudging must endure

Oh My (2008)

(Ok, this one is a bit,well, stupid. But, I thought I'd post it anyhow. It was written while The Wizard of Oz (Lions and tigers and bears, oh my) was running rampant through my brain...)

Up and down and normal, oh my
Up and down and normal, oh my
spinning in circles
Don't know why
Up and down and normal, oh my

Up and down and normal, oh my
Up and down and normal, oh my
Thoughts so crowded
Life is a high
Up and down and normal, oh my

Up and down and normal, oh my
Up and down and normal, Oh my
Energy gone
Hunger to die
Up and down and normal, oh my

Up and down and normal oh my
Up and down and normal, Oh my
Feelings are stable
No good reason why
Up and down and normal, Oh my

Up and down and normal, Oh my
Up and down and normal, Oh my
Want off of the ride
But, stuck if I try
Up and down and normal, Oh my

Up and down and normal, Oh my
Up and down and normal, Oh my
Chipper, dismal
Or no reason to cry
Up and down, and normal, Oh my

Up and down and normal, Oh my
Up and down and normal, Oh my
Stop the cycle
Decipher the lie
Up and down and normal, Oh my

Your Promise (2008)

Down has grown deeper
Wish I knew why
Prayers have grown stronger
But so have yearnings to die

If Satan is smart
which we know that he is
He'll fight for my soul
Just as I fight to live

Jesus is stronger
Jesus will win
So, Jesus take over
Deny Satan this kin

I can no longer fight
But know that You will
Save me from my thoughts
And Satan's thrill kill

Self hatred in full bloom
Spit on self worth
But you Lord have owned me
Since my re-birth

I call to you now
I want you to know
That Satan may be winning
My energy is slow

You promised your presence
You'll be at my side
Lord, please squash my doubts
Kill my sin, Kill my pride

Grow my faith in You
Not buds, but full bloom
Take over my thoughts
Tell Satan, "no room"

I love you and trust you
But I'm tired and depressed
I'm trying to be honest
You promised me rest

Win now the battle
That's inside ablaze
Show me life's worth
How faith can amaze

I hand it to You
I hand you my life
Though I wish it were easy
I'll grow in my strife

Just one request
Death thoughts are so strong
Relieve me this fight
As it's grown tiring and long

Take Me Over (2008)

Fog in my head
nothing to see
cloudiness here
building with dread

Just one day before
attractions all over
excitement around
enjoyment galore

Awaken to what
Can't figure it out
illness beginning
or stuck in a rut

Eyelids like lead
Ears filled with noise
Too tired to speak
Tempted by bed

Lord make me well
Please lift it from me
Take over my being
Bring me out of this hell

Praying for grace
trying to have faith
don't abandon me now
Can't survive at this pace

The Ruse (2008)

Abandoned and dark
Seeking the light
No vision ahead
Oh what a plight

Dreary and tired
alone and afraid
pits keep on growing
a grave being made

Seeking this not
wishing for truth
lies being whispered
quite convincing ruse

Evil be gone
Good shall prevail
Like stories and movies
Pray it's true in this tale

The Land of the Living (2008)

(This was written when things were seemingly getting better. I had stopped writing for awhile after this poem. Unfortunately, things didn't remain better.)

The Land of the Living
With Dry eyes and smiles
A land lost in time
Gone from view quite awhile

Covered in Ashes
Fallen from Grace
Hidden Away
Dark Empty Place

The Land of Survivors
Crawling through days
A land made of folks
Set in their ways

Covered in Sand
Heavy and Wet
Forgotten Obligations
Haven't been met

The Land of the Living
With Dry eyes and smiles
A land to be found
No doubt through tough trials

Covered in light
Shining for miles
No longer hidden
Dry eyes and smiles

Thoughts (2007)

Thoughts come, thoughts go, thoughts crowd my head
Racing, racing, sometimes wishing me dead
Sometimes ecstatic they can be
Laughing at fun, joy, and stupidity
Up, down, confused they circle and fly
Until internal emptiness, none left to say why

Rhyme (2007)

Consumed by the rhyme
Doesn't matter the time
Bright with light
Darkened night
Can't clear my mind

Round and around
Words are abound
Makes no sense
Can be tense
No peace to be found

Can be cool
Says the fool
Gone is the dread
That fills the head
An exception for now, not the rule

Battle (2007)

(In the very beginning, someone mentioned to me that the highs may have sounded a little fun. And, while, honestly I have grown to the point that they can be a little fun(knowing the alternative), they can also be very daunting. I wrote this poem after that because the highs seemed to be just another part of a me I didn't understand...)

Not just fearful of happiness, fearful of sad
Totally consumed with apprehension of mad
Not just mad, happy, sad as you will see
I've become phobic of a me to just be

Apprehensive of death, perplexed by life
Stuck in between with these feelings of strife
The battle inside causes me to cry
Is it better to live or better to die

Eternal damnation as sanction for self harm
Pushes life above death in a state of alarm
During times when that's all between living and dying
The melancholy controls for hours of crying

But the times that the happy has me high as a kite
Urge to drink and party are fought off with all might
Guilt disappears, fear goes away
Until normal returns causing dismay

Hate of myself, of who I've become
Try to cleanse the brain, but thoughts can't be undone
So, fun this is not, even the bliss
Control of my thoughts I truly do miss

Vivacity (2007)

Running away from myself
I so hope I can achieve
Trapped inside this body
Hurried thoughts won't leave

Energy that will not burn
No matter how hard I try
Move, sing, cry, shout
The power will not die

Silly as it seems
I write to let it go
The commotion bundled up within
I cope with what I know

Skepticism (2007)

No matter what I say
You will not comprehend
The affections of my heart
All mangled up and spent

Words can never tell
How wretched I do feel
My thoughts of self detest
Blending thoughts of me unreal

Unless you can relate
with a story of your own
I stick to firm belief
To you my woe's unknown

The Mustard Seed (2007)

Fighting fighting not to give in
Anger, sadness want to win

Seeing around me all the good that I have
Can't understand why I feel so bad

Headaches, panic are on their side
Trying so hard just to take it in stride

Unbearable, sometimes, the fight can be
Screaming, crying will become me

Maybe different today will turn out
Happy, content words are nicer to shout

But, oh so tired, do I feel
The kind, the good start to seem unreal

Struggling struggling to understand
Feelings, thoughts that seem out of my hand

Prayers make me feel utterly alone
Lost is the faith I used to call home

Taught faith required as small as a seed
Will bring hope and answers to those in need

Mine must be smaller:although a seed's not that big
To grow it inside, I really must dig

Some say to enjoy sun, you must suffer the rain
Only hope I don't drown in the flood of this pain

For the sun will rise, another hour or day
And I won't understand how the rain went away

But I'll enjoy warmth and hope the seed inside grows
So with faith I can fight the anguish nobody knows

Which Me?

(This poem was written at the very beginning of my major mood swings(I"m sure I've always had some...and am recalling more of them as I look back). But, I felt very confused and wasn't sure who I was...many times I still feel this way!)

Frightened not of me, but the me I don't know
The me that I am, sits back for the show

Me that I am, may be wrong terminology
Me that I thought I was, describes more accurately

To think that there's me thinking there's a me that I'm not
Is causing one of the me's nerves to be taut

Not sure who is who or who it is I thought I was
Thoughts in some me are causing a buzz

A buzz in my mind, a buzz in my ear
Causing life to be filled with unauthorized fear

I know the me that I thought I was feels
The me I don't know makes life quite surreal


I'm not really sure what to write about me as an introduction. I've decided to share this blog with others with the remote chance that others that are battling their own issues may be able to relate and not feel as alone. I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and an anxiety disorder, but hate to get caught up in labels.

The poems come from my heart. I am a devout Christian who knows the Lord is walking with me through these trials(and through the good times, as well). Many times, however, I don't hold onto the Lord. Instead, I push Him away. This is seen in the poetry(of course, I must always recommend clinging to the Lord as it'll be easier to get though your trials and tribulations!).

I will also post songs here and there that have touched my life(and obviously, their words I could never do justice to...)

Occasionally, there may be some poetry that is written just for fun(actually, that's my personal favorite). But, just to warn..I can be a bit silly.

I don't promise good poems, just some understanding into life's many trials and the pain and heartache that can be felt during the difficult times.

I pray for all of those that read this site and pray for those that battle their own demons in this world.

Christ's Love,